5 posts tagged “grieving”

Well it seems that mother nature has seen fit to quiet the little beast finally.  As of yesterday afternoon Oly seemed back to normal, no more caterwalling, molesting of the other pets in the house, and the local Toms taking up residence outside answering her call for ....errrr...service.

Now the waiting begins, her kittens should make their appearance within the next 3 weeks, by my estimation...then the fun begins again.  More then likely she will go into estres shortly after giving birth ( how cruel is that!) but we cannot have her "fixed" until the kittens are well on their way to being weaned, so, more-then-likely she will get herself knocked up again and the spay will actually turn into a pregnancy termination as well as removal of the offending organs.  *Sigh* that is a difficult thing for me to come to terms with. 

Abortion.  Even in a small unimportant little kittie cat, it is still the ending of a life (lives?) and though I am completely for PRO CHOICE - emphysis on CHOICE, in my advancing age, I find that abortion is something that is hard for me to reconcile.  Maybe its because I know that from this day forward I will never have to worry about making that heartbreaking choice.  Does that give me some sort of entitlement to moral superiority? I hope not, I do not want to pass judgement on any woman who is forced to make this decision.  I know, I have been there before.  But I have been a widow before as well and sadly I find that the further away I get from the "widow time" the less compassion I have for women who are deep in the throes of grieving.  What is up with that?  I listen ( well read mostly) the questions that every widow asks, they are the same questions, just dressed up differently.  Questions like "why did it have to happen to my spouse" My answer used to be compassionate and to the point, now I simply ask myself ( to myself) "Why not?? What makes anyone so much more special that they are able to avoid death".

"Why can't I find a new love?"  My answer used to be consoling and hopeful, now it runs somewhere along "well considering that you are a mess emotionally, you still write constantly about how much you love your late spouse and lament how you will never find anyone else who compares, its no wonder you can't find love"

"its been two months since my spouse died, why arn't I getting better?" My answers used to be full of wisdom and encouragement - now I think to myself - "your not getting because it has ONLY been 2 months! geez"

See what I mean.  I don't really like this part of myself that seems to be evolving.  I had hoped to continue in my new-found compassion and empathetic nature.  I patted myself on the back proclaiming that my husbands death was not in vain, that it has helped me to understand something that the majority of the world does not understand. Now I feel like I am falling back into that DGI (Don't Get It) category that widows love to tag non-widows with. As strange as this sounds, I am losing touch with my widow-ness and I am disappointed. 

I remember I time when my biggest wish was that I was once again oblivious
and innocent to  the grieving process.  I would have nearly sold my soul be be back among the non-widowed sector, now that it has happened and I have experienced it, I want to still feel all the things that widows feel and sometimes I just can't.  I defined myself as a widow for a long time and it was an important definition for me.  Its a hard membership to an exclusive club that many people never get into.  I wore my widow badge with something close to pride.  Not proud that my husband died, but proud that I entered that deep dark pit and managed to emerge again.  It took some clawing and many failed attempts, but I made it.  Now I am shedding that image and trying to find another.  Yes I am a wife again, and will always be a mother - but nearly all people can place themselves in one or the other - or both categories.

Exclusivity.  Is that was this is all about?  I can lable myself with no other tag that screams as much exclusivity as widowhood does.

Well this post was all over the place.  I blame it on the hormones of my poor PMSing body.  I will become lucid again in a few days and hopefull will be able to control my ADD and stay on point.

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Ok so I am going to cheat again.  Its a special day for me, my 2nd wedding anniversary and I wrote something on my wedding day that I am going to put here. Its long so beware and I thank you for reading it

Thursday, February 16, 2006

If love and the hope of love are not something you want to read about then stop here.

My hope that this will serve as inspiration to any widows/ers who are in the beginnings of this hard dark road of grief, to any who are right smack in the middle of it and wondering if it ever gets better, and to those who see the faint light at the end of the tunnel and might need a little push to get them on to the business of living.

Will it get better.

Apart from the “do you think I am ready to date” question I would hazard a guess that this is THE most asked question that veterans see on the YWBB. Will it get better. Does it get better. Does it stop hurting. All I can say is – yes, but it is not a simple yes answer, is it. You have to choose to let it get better.

During this horrendous, yet magical transformation called grief I think that there comes a time when we, either consciously or subsconciously make a decision to ( to quote one of my favourite movies) “either get busy living or get busy dying” metephorically speaking of course, or is it? I think back to the days weeks and months following that horrible day in Aug 2004. You can ask my children, I made the very solid commitment that I would NEVER, NEVER again fall in love and get married. No one could EVER love me the way I had been loved. No one would ever even come close to the love I shared with this man I just laid in the ground. No one, not one single soul on this earth, could touch me again the way that he did. I said it with such conviction that my children, friends and family must have been well duped. When I announced I was seeing someone the look of shock in their faces was priceless lol

Sometimes the choice to go on “living: is made for us. I think it was in my case. I hadn't even really begun to explore this thing called grief, when someone appeared into my life who made me focus on the “get busy living” part, even though I really didn't want to. For others of us, it is just a natural progression to make the “yes” choice, those are the people I admire the most. The ones, who for whatever reason, whatever lies in their brain chemistry, whatever factors – perhaps enviornmental or perhaps influenced by someone in their past – decide one day that its time to live again. Not live in the literal sense of the word ( or is it?) but live life as it was meant to be lived. Taking chances again – being the best they can be, not in spite of having faced death, but because of it.

These are the people who are my hero's, my inspirations. The truly courageous among us.

You know who you are. Some I have outright told that you are an inspiration to me, some I have yet to tell, and in my own time I will...I am a procrastinator, one silly personal trait that for some reason I just have a horrible time changing.

My soon-to-be husband is one of these people who I admire. For some goodness-only-knows reason he sees something in me, something that makes him want to live out the rest of his days with me. I wonder what that could be. I don't see it. Suppose I never will, but I am blessed that he sees it.

Mike has been there for me in every way possible for a mortal man to be there for a woman, and in someways that even mortal men cannot be. Mike has helped me through my past, and embrace my future.

I often think that there are not sufficient words in the english language to express some of my feelings for Mike, and this is one of those times. Sometimes we just sit and stare at each other for want of the right words, and they do not come. It's the stares, what hides deep down in our eyes at these moments that gives me hope for each and everyone of us here. I know that what I am about to say will ring on many deaf ears, but keep the hope in your heart. Hope is a powerful thing...short of love, maybe the most powerful. I have seen the hope of my future in the eyes of another and he as given that to me. I know that it will happen to each one of you who makes the choice to say yes. It might take someone 1 month to make this realization, som one year, some 3 years, but soon it will be your turn too.

Now it gets mushy so turn away if you are squimish

Mike and I have been together for well over a year...we met at the infamous Las Vegas widowbago in November of 2004. I was just two months widowed and he was 4 months. He seemed to be much further along then I was though, more then the 2 months that chronologically separated us. I fought this relationship with Mike at ever turn in the beginning. The guilt, OMG the guilt of it!! I can't begin to tell you... well maybe I can, some of you do know about this guilt thing we impose on ourselves when we first begin a new relationship. Anyway, this man knew what he wanted and it seemed to be me. He never gave up..I think I threw every possible brick wall up I could and this amazing man just scaled them effortlessly. I was racked with guilt, I was eaten up with the insecurities that so many of us feel in the first relationship after being widowed. He patiently dealt with it all as it came. I wrote in my generic Christmas card to friends and family that the Christmas of 2004 and subsequently Jan of 2005 was probably my deepest despair. When I finally picked myself up and dusted myself off, I turned around and realized that Mike was still standing there, with that gentle sweet smile of his, and I was home.

He moved to Arizona to be with me in April 2005 and we have been sickeningly happy ever sense. I have not regretted any of my decisions in regards to Mike, not once.

Now we are to be married in just a few short hours. Am I nervous. No. I am relieved and comfortable and happy, beyond my wildest dreams. Mike and I are not spring chickens. Well he is sort of, I will be 47 soon and he 41. There will be no children in our future. I have my own, he has none and seems not to regret that choice that he and Gail made not to procreate. I like to say that we are beginning the “Indian summer” of our lives together. Not quite young enough to enjoy the spring and summer, yet not quite old enough to start the autumn or winter of our “youth”. That time when the children are gone, or nearly gone and we look forward to living out the rest of our lives together. Retirement, grandchildren ( for me and by marriage for him) on the not so distant horizon. I have Never looked so forward to a time in my life as I do now, I say that now with as much if not more conviction now then when I uttered the words I WILL NOT FALL IN LOVE AGAIN at Jeff's grave
...
He will be my last for me. Don't ask me how I know this, I just feel it right to that very deep,white, hot core of my being. Either I will die first, or he will die and I will live out my life with the amazing memories we have made to sustain me. That will be the choice I make at the time if I am left here on earth alone again. But I will be happy, I have lived a full life and been married a few times during the journey. Mike is the culmination, the absolute pinnacle of all the happiness, love, security and “wholeness” that I have ever felt in my life.

Please think good thoughts for us, and for yourselves as 6.00pm tonight draws down on us . It will be the beginning of my ending in a way, the last half of my life and the start of an amazing life fulfilled

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Widowhood.  My mind is full of it lately. I will be widowed 4 years in August and roughly two years ago started to live, and love again.  With time, over the last two years I have succeeded in minimizing the role that widowhood plays in my life and have gotten on to other things.  Now all of a sudden I am back to reliving it all again.

Rather then fight it, or try to reason it all out, analyze it, and dispose of it that way, I will just keep going with it and writing down my thoughts on the various sub categories it brings to mind.

Always. Besides being a very definite and defining word, it is a movie. An older movie.  Not older in the sense of movies like Gone with the Wind or Citizen Kane, but more like Urban Cowboy, or Terms of Endearment...movies making their way into classics.  Well like many other movies that are on their way to being or already are classics, I had never seen this one.  I finally watched it the other day.  I came away with a very large question, one that I think deserves some sort of analysis and answer. 

I am not a Richard Dryfus fan, I think he is the epitome of the over acting actor.  He seems to attempt to compensate for lack of personality by going over the top in his acting abilities and he is no different in this movie, but I was compelled by the story line and so suffered through the ham works of Richard.  It is a movie about a widow.  Well I don't think she is a widow in the defining sense of the word, I don't think that she and Richard ever were married - but they had a relationship and he was killed. So I was hooked.

Show me a widow who can resist a movie based on widowhood and I will show you a fraud.  Most of the time we watch the widowhood based movies to be able to sit with arms folded slowly shaking our heads and proclaiming that YEP, Hollywood got that one wrong too!  But this one is a bit different.  As I said there is a question that it provoked in my mind and I wonder if more of us widows should not explore it.

In the movie there is a scene where Richard is lamenting how he misses the woman he loved, should have told her he loved her more and all the while watching while she dances with another man, showing some signs of life - crawling out of the deep dark hole of widowhood to live again.  He doesn't want her too.  He can't bare to watch as she kisses the new man.  Soon his boss ( for lack of a better word) appears, by his boss I mean the head angel or whatever she is and she counsels him on what he is going through to help him to deal with it.  Anyway, the head angel says that until the dead signifcant other releases the one left behind, that she will not be able to move on, to find new love and life.  Until the deceased removes him/herself from their loves heart then the one remaining on earth will go on grieving and pining for the deceased. 

So what if that is the way it is, what if it has nothing to do with us left on earth and OUR ability to let go of our spouse/significant other? What if we grieve until they ALLOW us to move on??? Just what if....

Now of course this little theory doesn't hold water if you don't believe in the after life, or that there is something more after death - that our deceased loved are with us in the after life, that they can see and hear and affect us to some extent.

I have had too many signs from my father and then from Jeff after he died that I do believe they are around us, so that is not a problem for me.  What I do have a problem with is that if this theory is true and our length of grieving depends on how long it takes for our spouses to LET us move on, well then I wonder just how much Jeff loved me as my grieving time was pretty short and sweet compared to many.

Still, I like this theory, in fact I prefer it to most others that are out there.

I am going to cheat a bit today when it comes to blogging. C&P is a wonderful creation, nearly as good as email.  So today I choose to use the C&P method to create my post.

I am still thinking about widowhood, well, more then usual.  I don't think being a widow is ever terribly far from my concious thoughts, but usually it is happy to exist in the blurry edges of my subconscious.  I don't know why it is so prevalent on my mind...there is no significant date or anniversary upcoming, no emotional trigger that I am aware of that would cause such obsession...Oh well, I will just go with it and in time it well subside and I can get back to the business of living...

Anyway, I wrote the piece below for an article on Helium, thus the cut and paste.. Please ignore the ads, they don't seem to want to go away and I am to lazy to go back and re cut and past in pieces to exclude the ads. Its a tongue in cheek look at the rules imposed on widows/ers by society.

DGI. Acronym, in the world of widowhood, referring to people who are not familiar with being a widow/er and they just "Don't Get It".

If you ask a widow, he/she will more then likely say that dealing with DGI's is one of the most challenging aspects of becoming a widow. It can be frustrating and disheartening. It can be anger provoking, thought provoking and it can be damaging to your self-esteem.

There seems to be, in this society, a set of rules that a widow must live by, or you run the risk of attracting unwanted attention, the rolling of the eyes, the sideways looks, the whispering when you are out of the room. You must not grieve in your own way, that is not allowed. A widow is a widow, they are all the same and must do things all in the same time frame.

The following are some of the "rules" imposed on widow/ers:

1. You must be single for an acceptable period of time BEFORE you enter into another relationship. Time frame is arbitrary and set by those who have never been widowed (sometimes even set by widow/ers themselves, such as "I waited 15 years for my first date, so should you").

2. You must move on and move past the deep grieving within a period of 2-3 months. All clothing, items, pictures, memories should be placed carefully and lovingly in cardboard boxes and stored in the darkest corner of your attic during this period of time.

3. You must NEVER talk about your beloved lost love to your friends or family past this 2-3 month mark, unless they instigate the conversation, otherwise you run the risk of being told to "get over it" or seek psychological help.

4. You must not make any major decisions within the first year, such as moving because you can't take the memories, or can't afford living there any longer. Don't quit or change jobs as that could be considered (gasp!) reckless and irresponsible.

5. If you decide to socialize within the first year; ie; going out with your friends, you will be forever afterward referred to as ungrateful, a Jezebel, heartless, slut, etc. ie: She must not have loved her husband much, look, she is going out with her friends so soon!!"

6. You should discuss all aspects of your spouses death with ANY person who asks. This also includes such questions as: "how did he/she die"? "Why did he/she kill themselves?" (suicide) "how did they do it?" "How much money did you get?" (referring to life insurance), When are you going to go back to work/get a job?

7. YOU, as the widow, are responsible for being uplifting to those around you who feel their grief is much deeper then yours, such as mother-in-law, Ex-wife/husband of your late spouse.

8. You must become the ear for all your friends and family who are having marital or relationship issues...further you must agree with said people, that being a widow is easier then having gone through a divorce. Further, you must accept that people who,s dog/cat/hamster/grandmother/2nd cousin 3 times removed has died, know EXACTLY how you feel.

9. Widow/ers are helpless, they cannot be trusted to take care of themselves, financially, socially or otherwise. In many cases you will be assigned a "guardian". This person might be a family member, a friend or a neighbor. They will report back to anyone concerned things you do that do not fall into the accepted "norm".

I have to confess that I, as a widow, have failed miserably at societies rules as they pertain to me, so perhaps I am not a good widow. I don't do widowhood well. I freely admit that. Of the above 9 rules, I did not follow one of them.

The thought that everyone grieves in their own way seems to be an antiquated notion. The old adage that "walk a mile in my shoes, then judge me", seems to have gone by the way side. I grieve for those who are grieving and are subjected to these societal regulations.

Call me a rebel, but I will continue to grieve my OWN way...

I had a bit of a surprise the other day, a VERY pleasant one.

A few posts down I lamented the loss of a family of owls at that live at the high school I work for.  The death of one of the owls occured shortly before the Christmas break, so I was gone for several weeks afterwards.  I grieved the loss of those birds...I am a widow by nature I suppose.  I can grieve with the best of 'em baby.  All based on real life experience.  Experience I wish that I did not have first hand knowledge of, but hey why not use the lifes tools and lessons that I have learned. So I was sad and I grieved.

Then....

Two days ago  I pulled up to a parking space that was close to the old nest and sadly cast a glance at it - just for old times sake and lo-and-behold but what was staring back at me with equal interest? A little burrower owl.  He/She was sitting at the mouth of the burrow enjoying the warm sun. I do not know if this is the mom or the dad, or even if this is one of them or a different owl altogether, but the site of him was enough to lift my spirits, and I will make sure that I start carrying my camera to capture its presence. The picture I have included is of another burrower that I snapped about a year ago, but now you know what they look like.  Tiny little things, but oh-so full of attitude...

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